I have never felt the desire to have kids of my own. Not when I was a young girl, playing with baby dolls. Not after falling in love, then marrying the man of my dreams. Nor when all my friends, family, teammates, classmates, coworkers, colleagues, and neighbors had children.
Throughout my life, as I aged and searched for belonging, I abandoned myself countless times in the name of ‘fitting in’. But not in this arena.
Yet somehow, it has been difficult to hear harsh criticism of women without kids recently. As I write this, it is 2024 in the United States of America. We flaunt ourselves as the land of the free and the home of the brave. So why is deviance from the norm so threatening?
I thought I was simply practicing the autonomy every human deserves; freely making a life choice in alignment with the most intimate longings of my soul. Upon further reflection I realized: very few people have actually asked me about my decision. Naively, I thought, “it’s personal” and “they just get it.” No big deal.
But who knew, actually, it’s taboo. Also, I’m an outlier. And that is why we don’t talk about it.
And so, I feel obligated to share my thoughts and start a conversation. My hope is that these quips shed light on what seems to be a mysterious phenomenon in some cultural circles, drawing harsh criticism and shallow critique. From my own experience I’ve learned we often fear what we don’t understand. Perhaps I can offer a practical perspective and help to destigmatize the topic for women like me.
Recently, I’ve invested time and resources towards an effort of self-discovery to help myself better understand these feelings I’ve always just had; feelings that felt normal until I was told they were not. I fully acknowledge I can do such work because I do not have the commitments and time constraints of a child-rearing mother, therefore feel deeply privileged for the opportunity.
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To begin, I am not a Christian. Therefore, I can release any moral imprint to “be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth”. Although I was raised Catholic, I never embodied the doctrine, consciously nor subconsciously, thus never felt shamed or pressured to procreate by God or a religious community.
Rather, I feel the universe itself is my dharma. I am a highly sensitive person and feel intense, inclusive love and connection to ALL living things; from members of my biological and chosen families, to the vast array of life on earth. To coexist with such beauty and bounty is extremely fulfilling and I feel satisfied with my place in the world. Daresay, even lucky sometimes.
As an adult, I came to realize: “My foremothers lack of say in how their lives played out created an emotional wound that needed to heal.” I wonder if, intuitively as a female child, I knew “the weight of a new generation” would be too heavy to carry. I have come to terms with my emotional inheritance and feel grateful to have done my part to break dysfunctional generational patterns. Thankfully, I am curious and resilient.
Finally, as someone who experienced psychological suffering from a young age, I have been heavily pathologized. For over two decades, I internalized those diagnoses, absorbed them fully and assigned myself the stigma of neurodivergency. As Neal Brennan puts it, “it’s not my risk, it’s their risk. They [the child] bear all the risk.” In the highly unlikely case my subconscious experienced a change in mind, maternal instinct would quickly deny such as fantasy. To this day, I cannot guarantee the emotional safety of anyone in my orbit.
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Recently in the press, the humility and character of women without kids has been called into question. I’d like to acknowledge a few things that keep me humble in my daily life:
Immensely talented friends, family and colleagues
Love received from the aforementioned individuals
The splendid grandeur of our great planet
And the countless miracles that grace its surface
Also, my sobriety. No alcohol, no meds, no numbing out. These days, I show up as my authentic, unmasked-self always. When you this be warned: it will shake you to the core when you realize some people do not like you, just for being yourself. That is quite humbling indeed.
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Divisiveness is not my intention with these words. I cast no spells nor carry ill will. I do not harbor anger or discontent. Instead, I can proudly declare, after years of heart work, that I am a W.I.T.C.H. A Women In Control of Herself. 🐈⬛
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Thank you for reading my story. With love, respect and deep gratitude, a special thanks my soul teachers including Ruby Warrington (quoted), Martha Beck, Laura McKowen, Brene Brown, Carrie May, and Prentis Hemphill. Your words have unlocked my spirit and given me new life.